Saturday, 10 December 2011

54 signs that you are approaching your EDD in pregnancy...

1. You wake up every morning and think 'is today the day?'

2. You feel hard done by every time someone you know gives birth (especially if they are not as far gone as you)

3. You have washed all the newborn clothes and keep getting the smallest of sleep suits and vests out to smooth over your bump

4. You decide to stop neglecting the birth ball and bounce around the entire episode of Eastenders

5. You walk like you have just done a 100 mile bike ride

6. You check either your hospital bag or your home birth supplies kit twice (every hour, most days)

7. You wake at least three times a night to pee and another 3 times a night as you cannot get comfortable

8. You now understand why pregnant women complain of backache

9. You become frightened of sneezing/coughing/laughing in public

10. It takes a lot of restraint not to punch anyone who asks "any signs...?"

11. It takes a lot of restraint not to punch anyone who says "no baby yet?" 

12. It takes a lot of restraint not to punch anyone who tells you to "have sex/eat a hot curry/eat fresh pineapple/go on a bumpy car ride"

13. You have sex

14. You order a vindaloo and force yourself to eat it despite being more of a Korma gal

15. You buy a pineapple, chop it up then decide after eating more than half that it is hurting your tongue

16. You ask your other half to take you on a bumpy car ride

17. You are sick of people telling you its called an 'estimated' due date for reason...

18. You consider giving your partner a blow job but wonder if it is a myth that prostaglandin is better absorbed through the stomach so settle for a bit more sex

19. You catch yourself googling 'how do I start labour'

20. You squeeze your boobs to see of they work yet then get all excited when they do!

21. You dream of eating pate/runny eggs/brie

22. You wonder if every twinge is labour 'starting'

23. You pay lots of attention to anything that looks 'different' when you wipe after going to the loo in case its a 'show'

24. You feel shattered one minute then the next minute are obsessed with cleaning the skirting boards in the spare room

25. You feel really hungry and order a few chinese dishes to share then cry when you are full up after about 10 mouthfuls and watch your other half devour the lot

26. You cry at the RSPCA advert

27. You are convinced labour has started, ring labour ward and are told to have a bath...then it all stops

28. You are sick of people saying 'don't worry you will know when you are in labour'

29. If this is your second/third/insert number baby you surprise yourself by forgetting what the last month of pregnancy was like

30. You scour the internet looking for birth stories and decide to ignore any that don't seem like the nice natural birth you have planned

31. You freak out a little every day in case you waters break in public

32. You google 'do I get freebies if my waters break in the supermarket'

33. If you know what colour bump you have, you still have reservations and panic in case the sonographer was wrong

34. You cannot believe you are going to have a(nother) baby

35. You look back over the last nine months and think that although your EDD is here/gone/fast approaching, the day you took the first pregnancy test seems like a very long time ago

36. You snap at your other half for the smallest things such as not appreciating the clean skirting boards in the spare room

37. You decide to go on a batch cooking frenzy then get bored after cooking one thing (then eat that for tea...)

38. You suddenly feel like doing something creative

39. You cannot believe your other half wants to go out for a beer with his work colleagues when you are due to have a baby any day (even though technically you still have 3 weeks until your EDD)

40. You dream that you have given birth then wake up to see the moses basket is empty or there is no little person in your bed

41. You keep practising how to tie your Moby sling/fold your pram up/adjust your baby Bjorn 

42. After you have had a 'show' you convince yourself every day will be THE day

43. You decide your stomach cannot stretch anymore

44. You decide your breasts cannot get any bigger 

45. You have a day out and a rest from Facebook only to come home to about 100 inbox messages and notifications asking if you are in labour - not to mention the 50 text messages you received in the day asking the same thing...

46. You are sick of only hearing peoples horrific birth stories - why subject a pregnant women to stories of forceps and 3rd degree tears?!

47. You are sick of people laughing when you tell them you plan to have a natural birth or home birth and hinting you will be screaming for an epidural before you are 5 cm...

48. You practise your active birth positions/hypnobirth techniques everyday from week 37 onwards

49. Your antenatal classes have finished and some of the other pregnant ladies have already had their babies

50. You start getting contractions but decide it must be a false alarm until all of a sudden you realise that they are starting to actually hurt and your waters have gone

51. You actually get excited about putting on your tens machine as this time its for real

52. You feel quite out of it and the first 2 stages of labour unfolds almost as if it is happening to someone else

53. You stare at this tiny bundle and cannot believe a few hours ago they were tucked up in your womb

54. You cannot believe its all over and just how much love you can feel for one tiny being :)